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The Last Jedi review - part one



Is it a sign of a lack of mental fortitude to get angry at a movie?  Is it wrong for me to be blazing with rage at 3 am because something I watched didn't meet my expectations?  Is it okay to reboot a franchise by stealth, choosing to destroy its future for everyone and ruin the memories of the people who made it famous in the first place rather than facing the facts and admitting that you have no new ideas at all and are forced to reboot, but you are terrified you'll lose the fanbase and profit, that cowardice and dishonesty is your only option Disney, you scum?

 There's some bad structure there but I'm too angry to even care. 

Does she look like she cares or does she have the shits like me?


Luke and Leia and Chewy are in it, so it must be Star Wars.  They're trying to create a new generation of fans so the old guards are introducing the new.  Fair enough.  No problem with that.  I'm sure my nephew cheered when the Death Star was destroyed again in the previous film and I'm sure he enjoyed the explosions and lens glare.  Abrams did not do a shit job of rebooting A New Hope, or Star Wars as it is rightfully known to adults, although of course, it was a remake with the same exact tropes and almost exact narrative flow.  Abrams did okay, but he knew he had doomed it or that it was already doomed by the monster that is the Disney money-machine, so he poked himself away from this one with a big stick.  As far away as he could get.  

 JJ: a real man would have fought for what he loved, instead we get another guy without a real first name, or maybe he can't even spell it. 

 Hello, Rian with an I and goodbye Star Wars.

Maybe that's too personal.  Well maybe fucking the heart out of a beloved story that is more popular than the bible is personal too.  Personal to everyone.  Maybe making a mockery of the legend that gave us nearly 1% of our figures of speech and is the foundation for all memes as well as the cornerstone for the Mandela Effect is taken personally by those of us who built treehouses for our Ewoks and killed AT-ATs with fire, and paid your salary and created the bastard monster that should have stuck to Mickey Mouse stuff.

Random character saves the day.


Maybe.  Either way Rian with an I, but not an eye for cinematography or actor direction, you have scrawled over the beauty that should not be defiled with your idiot crayon, and you didn't even use any lens flare.

 So, rant aside, this movie, The Last Jedi, is utter shit.  It's more of a copy of Empire Strikes Back than the previous one was of Star Wars: A New Hope, and even less ashamed to be devoid of all shame at lacking anything like a story or creativity for the franchise.  

BAD CGI WOMAN CLEANERS


 Even taking deep breaths I still cannot bring myself to begin to explain why it's so bad.  It's inferior to episodes of poorly budgeted TV shows and you have to sit for 2 and a half hours because I guess Disney (scum) think that by keeping you in one place for that long you'll have less time to watch something good or eat or sleep, or have a life.  Not that it would matter if you spent two hours having diarrhea due to the derivative opening (Empire attacks a rebel base just like in Empire Strikes Back) because when you returned to your long cold seat your fellow moviegoer could just say “insert the same story” and you'd be good to go for the non-apocalyptic final Battle of Not-Hoth again.  

SNOW TURNS RED! OMG! GENIUS!


 The snow is red underneath for the next Battle of Hoth, which is so unique that it even needs exposition in the dialogue.  I joke not.  I bet they were so proud of that.  

Ade knows that the Young Ones of Star Wars have already reached their Bottom.

Apologies for needing a two-part review, but the film has so many problems it needs an introduction just to calm myself for the necessary diagnosis.  Part two coming tomorrow.  Stay tuned.








TOM HARDY CAREER SLUMP              DENZEL HITS A ROUGH PATCH


MAN CITY ARE DOOMED   

           LIVERPOOL  DESTROY  CITY

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